Trendy Foods That Actually Taste Terrible

We live in a world dominated by trends. Today, what we eat is, perhaps more than any other time in history, dictated almost entirely by fashion. Thanks in part to social media, our generation's propensity towards both innovation and boredom, plus the birth of the pop-up, it seems like every other day we're seeing some new incredible style of food cropping up somewhere around the world. This, however, isn't always a great thing. Humans are nothing if not completely ridiculous, and our need to create new foods often comes at the expense of, well, actual quality. These recipes and dishes may be en vogue, sure, but that doesn't mean they don't taste bland at best and horrific at worst. Don't doubt: whoever came up with these were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.

Never heard of matcha? Consider yourself lucky. It's a type of fine powder tea which is utilized to great effect in China and Japan, where people actually know what to do with it. In the West, however, it's been coopted by the sorts of of culinary fashionistas who believe that anything green and natural should be slathered over every single thing you eat. These are the people who made avocados a thing. Do not trust them.

Get ready for matcha crepes, matcha chia seed pudding, matcha yogurt pops, matcha muffins, matcha lemonade  and more. And what does matcha taste like, you ask? Well, according to Matcha Source, it has a vegetal, astringent taste. Because nothing gets you out of bed in the morning like astringent muffins.

Speaking of unholy marriages, let's take a moment to consider the donut burger. We get the thought process behind it, we really do. Burgers: good. Donuts: good. Donut burgers: good! But the end result is far from greater than the sum of its parts. The contrast between sweet and savory is far too intense to stomach — who, really, has ever devoured a burger and wished that the whole thing had been glazed in sugar? Nobody, that's who.

And the best thing is that donut burgers will probably kill you, too. They contain around 2,000 calories, a good 50 grams of fat and 8 grams of salt. Mel Wakeman, a lecturer of Applied Physiology at the University of Birmingham, asked the BBC: "Why is this sort of food available?" We second that.

You love burritos. You love sushi. What's that you hear? A sushi burrito coming over the horizon? Incredible! This will change your life. Except it won't. Yes, burritos are a pretty incredible form of street food and yes, sushi is the absolute tops. But the sushi burrito — which is exactly what it sounds like, a heap of raw fish wrapped in rice wrapped in seaweed — is proof that two rights don't always make a right.

There's a reason sushi is so small, you see. Firstly, because raw fish is not exactly something you want to gorge on. It's the very opposite of overindulgence. Even if you wanted to, though, you probably couldn't, because the density of the rice in sushi means it's incredibly filling despite being so small. Supersizing it just seems pointless — even if you manage to finish it, you'll probably feel pretty horrible afterwards. There's a reason you won't find these things in either Mexico or Japan, you know.

Like chocolate? Great, of course you do. But do you like dark chocolate? Well, yeah, it's not for everybody, but you can see why people love it. Have you ever, though, found yourself eating dark chocolate and wishing it was just that much more bitter and earthy? If so, raw cacao might just be for you.

A healthy relative of cocoa, it's made by cold-pressing cocoa beans instead of processing and roasting them. It's healthy enough to be classed as a superfood (groan) and is loaded up with magnesium, sulfur, calcium, iron, zinc, copper and potassium. Naturally, there's a lot to be said about the health benefits of cacao, but we can't help but feel that every bite you take is expending energy that could have been used biting into real, proper chocolate. You know, the type that doesn't taste like dirt.

Throwing a bunch of gold flakes on a sub-par dish and charging a month's rent for it is probably the worst trend to come out of the world of food since some monster put pineapple on pizza. The story is always the same: a pop-up or restaurant adds a new, "satirical" menu item which usually contains caviar, truffle and lobster, despite it being a burger or a pizza or ice cream or something. It usually costs around $500 and is almost always covered in gold flakes.

Let's dispel a few things here. Firstly: gold leaf isn't expensive. You can buy five sheets of 24k edible gold leaf for about $5. Secondly: it doesn't taste of anything. In fact, the texture of it is likely to ruin whatever you're eating. Take it from us — if you're paying out for a dish that contains gold leaf, you are being scammed. And you deserve it, too.

Ah, fairy bread — the sort of thing that sounds great on paper, and even looks great at first glance (rev up those Instagram accounts, everybody) but only remains in your good graces for as long as it takes to put it in your mouth. Originating in Australia, where many of us can only hope it will remain, fairy bread is simple, white bread covered in butter and topped with sprinkles.

It's supposed to be easy to make, and it is. It's supposed to be colorful and pretty, and it is. It's supposed to be a great tasting snack... and it most definitely is not. Fairy bread is the sort of thing that's made by bored 9-year-olds who can't reach the higher shelves in their parent's kitchen. It's sickeningly sweet and devastatingly unhealthy. Avoid it at all costs.

Let's say you're a chef who's trying to make their mark on the foodie map. You've got a kitchen and a smidgen of talent, but for some reason you're just not getting where you want to be, career-wise. So what can you do to get yourself recognized? Solution: heap a load of foam on each of your dishes and wait for the Michelin stars to come rolling in.

In the words of Gordon Ramsay, edible foam "looks like toxic scum on a stagnant pool." It rarely adds anything spectacular to a dish taste-wise, and the texture is baffling-going-on-ruinous. Its association with molecular and experimental cooking means it's stuck around longer than it should, but that doesn't mean it should ever have existed in the first place. Chefs — please, stop using it.

Like fairy bread, we have the Australians to thank for freakshakes. If your social media timeline has yet to be blessed by their presence, the freakshake is, essentially, a milkshake with five or six other desserts thrown in, for some reason. A single glass will contain cream, cake, sauce, candy and, depending on where you are, a whole range of other confectionery and sugary treats, like some bastard son of Willy Wonka and Dr. Frankenstein. Sometimes they're even topped with an entire slice of cake or pie — how do you even begin to eat that?

They look great. We're not arguing with that. But the freakshake was built to satisfy your Facebook, not your stomach. They're sweet to the extreme, almost guaranteed to make you feel sick and likely to throw you over your daily calorific intake (and then some). And they really don't taste that great either — desserts are supposed to be petty indulgences enjoyed after a meal, not a meal in themselves. Frankly, that much of everything won't be as enjoyable as a little of something.

Where can you possibly go wrong with ice cream? It's simple, it's delicious, and, as long as it's not slathered on a freakshake, it'll often provide the perfect ending to a great meal. Enter the fad. Unsatisfied with the old classics such as vanilla, strawberry or chocolate (which only exist to please the palates of fussy old people or dull sticks-in-the-mud), the deafening roar of the Fashion Monster has driven ice cream vendors around the globe to scurry into their darkest nightmares and conjure up an array of bizarre, unusual and often disgusting flavors to offer their unfortunate, presumably weeping customers.

Say hello to honey avocado ice cream. Bid a hearty good day to octopus gelato. Dry heave a warm welcome to goat's cheese and beet swirl. Whatever you do, however, don't eat them. It's not worth it.

Anything ice cream can do, lattes can do better, right? Or should that be worse? Because, not content with concocting the sort of ice cream flavors that would make a demon wretch, the Obsidian Hordes of Damnation have also seen fit to bless humanity with the invention of trendy latte flavors. Yes, you too can visit your nearest hellscape to try out the latest charcoal latte, beetroot latte or even blue algae latte. Failing that, you could always take a sip of the amethyst crystal latte, which emerged in the United States, presumably as vengeance against Australia for fairy bread and freakshakes.

Oh, and if you really hate us, yourself, your god and your ancestors, you could always ask for it to be served in an avocado. But don't blame us when Mephistopheles brings you in for a job interview.